This was my contribution for Lit-Soc Creative Writing Contest, as part of Tapti’s Newsletter. For the uninitiated, Lit-Soc is a year long Inter-Hostel Competition and Tapti is my hostel at IITM:

Hello readers! A very good morning to you all and for all those expecting a bad day, cheer up coz, boy, have we got something in store for you! We were forced to fire our astrologer yesterday, at the rave party at our office, after he predicted that the next CEO of our Newspaper would be gay and totally bald. Here’s some advice, people: ‘Never drink as soon as you arrive at your boss’ party. If you do, make sure you listen carefully to his speech about how proud he was about his straight, black-wavy-haired-Harvard-graduate only son taking over the reins as the CEO of the company.’ However, he wished to say a few words before he left and here they are – “I saw it coming.” Well, after that prediction, I think we all did, didn’t we?

Now for the good news, ladies and gentlemen! We are proud to announce that we have hired a seafarer from Nauru to predict and foretell your fortunes today! And tomorrow! And the day after! Forever! Though, there is a small change in the method of prediction. Doing away with the age old tradition of foretelling by looking at the stars, we bring you – clouds. Yes, fluffy clouds! There’s more! We leave your fortunes in your hands. Here’s how it works – instead of the boring sun signs, we have changed it to top 5 things (Not in any order) people want everyday of their life. Now, you have to choose one thing you wish to have for sure today, go to the relevant prediction, see the time you have to go outdoors to watch the clouds, interpret what you see and match it up with the shapes we give. Lo and behold! You have your prediction! Though we ask you to choose carefully, you can choose just one thing and if you see the right shape, rest assured, it will happen. At this stage, we are compelled to put in a joke by asking you this – are things cloudy?? We tried answering that with a joke, but as they say, two jokes in a rush are worse than one in a… oh, there we go again! Go forth and make your day!

Sex: 0734 hours: Look to the eastern skies. If you see a battering ram, a power drill, a baseball bat, a big snake (doesn’t matter which), a dolphin or the Great Pyramid, he is on top. If on the other hand, you see a valley, a capital O, a pair of lips, a holster or a flower, she is. A blank, cloudless sky is a sign that things might get better – try again tomorrow. If however, you see a pink bunny rabbit with a two-toothed smile and a fluffy tail, you are gay and you are better off not seeing clouds.

Pay raise: 1327 hours: Look straight up. If you see a bird, you are probably not looking at the intended cloud and we implore you to focus. If you see a pair of spectacles, a loaf of bread, or a good number of zeros, you are raking in the moolah today. A single coin, a toothpick or a good number of empty bottles means that you are almost there, but not exactly there. If you see wads of money floating down, IT officials have swooped down on your office and you are better off leaving the company. A clear blue sky would mean exactly that – a clear blue sky.

Sleep: 0914 hours: If you are reading this, you probably are awake. We suggest you go right back to sleep and don’t read this column ever again if you are in need of sleep.

A new wardrobe: 1537 hours: If you are already inside a shop at the specified hour, we hope you will do the right thing and come out to see the clouds and decipher if you will indeed strike a good bargain. If you are a man in need of a new wardrobe, watch out for an angel shape on any side. We call her Woman. Just ask her for help and voila, you have what you want! If, on the other hand, you are a woman, then God help the man who got up and wished for a pay raise (refer above). He desperately needs it. Clouds definitely have no say in this.

A quiet smoke: 1744 hours: If you see the luscious shape of Angelina Jolie or a chimp singing ‘Hotel California’, it’s probably the clouds of smoke from your lips. Make an ashtray out of this paper and enjoy life. Teenagers who are smoking on the sly and want to make a day out of it, quit looking at clouds and watch out for baton-wielding policemen… and your parents.

Disclaimer*: All the aforementioned happen only when followed by the book. The organization is not responsible for any of the following – a strong breeze, rainy days, clocks that don’t work, blindness and national holidays (when we are usually closed).

*We also are not responsible for any misprint as we outsource the dull work.